As Promised [ warning: tome ]

This is the story of five friends

Picked to go to Adele's wedding

And find out what happens when people stop working at Microsoft

And start having fun.
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[I write this mostly for the benefit of Adele, as I assume she might be interested in how we experienced her wedding, since she was quite busy during most of it]

Predictions of a late start were mostly exaggerated. By the time Robin fetched Erin from the Metro station and we all gave our best guesses as to what the suspicious noise coming from Mama Lim's car was, it was after 2:00 and lunch was just getting underway. I quickly came to understand why the Lims spoke so highly of Coatal Flats. The egg rolls, fish & chips and filet mignon tips with tequila lime cream sauce left my mind without a worry of a late arrival, and my stomach with a sufficient base for copious amounts of incoming alcohol. An incident involving sharp hard candy and Yamini's tongue prompts Jason, our resident poet-advisor, to give us the wise rhyming warning: "Don't explore it, ignore it!"

[Jason's joke time]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

What did Simba say to Nala when they were being chased by wildebeests?

What did one statue say to the other?

What do you call 100 rabbits in a row walking backwards?

(Answers momentarily)

Jason's claim of a 15 minute shower, shave & dress routine turned out to be, shockingly enough, a high estimate. Our self-imposed 45-minute prep period proved perfectly plentiful. The strange hissing sound from the Grand Am's tiring having abated, we were on the road promptly at 4:15, a fact I greatly appreciated.

The noises we heard coming from the tire earlier had us a bit worried that Mama Lim's car might break down. We vowed that we would find a way to get there regardless. Someone proposed hitchhiking as a possible alternative. We would need a sign: "Late for wedding! One Mile Away." I pointed out we didn't have markers. No problem, we will write the sign in blood, we'll all give a few ounces. Someone points out we won't be able to drink as much if we lose blood. We realize we will have to use Erin's blood, since she won't be drinking [I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Erin for being designated driver, but still being lots of fun!]. We figure we'll need about 20 ounces. At the offramp (about 100 yards from the wedding site), Jason proclaims "Even if we break down right here, we should still make the sign." We all have a good chuckle over this, and pull into the parking lot.

At the Tyson's Corner Double Tree, we simultaneously and nonparallel-ly encountered confusion and Lee Peterson. The non-time-sorted schedule of events threw us for a loop, but that was markedly minute compared with meeting Lee. He bore such uncanny similarities to Carl in all observable traits that we thought he was kidding when he said, in a very Carl-like way, "I'm Carl's brother." Freaky.

Incredulous that we were actually as early as we appeared to be, Rob flipped back a page in the guest book to see who signed before us. No one had. That is how it came to be that Erin Dean's signature is the first to appear in the Wedding Guest Book of Mr. and Mrs. Carl Peterson.

[Answers to jokes]

Damn!

Mufasa!

IsThatYou??

A receding hare line.

To the ushers [Nathan and Steven, brothers of the bride, Ken, friend of the couple] we seemed to be guinea pigs, as they apparently had not quite worked out a system for determining who would escort whom, or exactly which subset of the guests needed to be ushed [hint: just the ladies]. We sat and enjoyed the string trio (not quartet)

and enjoyed some brief solitude, as, much like the position of our names in the guest book might indicate, we were seated first. Several discussions broke out amongst the five of us, including:

• When do we stand? (Decision: just follow the crowd - turns out to be, when Adele enters)
  
• Is flash photography allowed? Will it blind the Judge? (I make the fateful decision to go flashless, which seems to be working fine, but leaves me with numerous blurry images)
  
• Is it appropriate for us to be sitting in the third row? Should family get the good seats? (We decide we deserve it, for arriving early)
  

There were more, perhaps Erin or Rob will comment.

After a number of string instrument related jokes are exchanged (why are violas bigger than violins? They are not, violinist just have bigger heads. Why are violas better than violins? They burn longer), Jason recognizes the string trio has gone into repeats. I posit that they are probably underestimating the crowd's knowledge of classical music. It is never a good idea to underestimate Jason.

The room is starting to fill up and we have our first celebrity sighting: Ginny. She is trying to be low key, taking a seat in the back corner. Erin and I immediately recognize her from a LiveJournal photograph. When Jason asks who Ginny is, Rob informs him "she's the Asian you're going to hook up with tonight." Confusion ensues as the comment seems baseless, and unlikely to be accurate for various and sundry reasons.

If you think I am being longwinded and overly descriptive, fear not: the open bar starts in about half an hour.

It seems like we are about to get underway. An inspection of the program that we should soon be having our second celebrity sighting: Bridesmaid Laura Cunningham (who, I unfortunately forgot to ask what realcream means. If someone can comment on that, that would be great). However, as with Robin's Asian hookup comment, confusion again ensues. The program indicates that she will enter second, accompanied by a Peterson. After the judge enters, we see a Peterson escorting a young woman down the aisle. Now, Erin and I have seen approximately one picture of Laura, in which she is holding an as-of-this-point-in-time unidentified object (Rob says fish, Erin says video game controller, I say gopher. I do not think I am right). It's a postage stamp sized picture, so we do not have that great of an idea what she looks like. Armed with only the program and this visual image, I convince myself that this first Bridesmaid, who is about Adele's size and stature, is Laura. I believe that for about the next fifteen minutes.

"Laura" is accompanied by Bizzaro-Carl, who, I am later informed, commented on having a nice view, which I would think was probably accurate.

(apologies for the blurriness, my flash was off). Next, CarlP escorts his parents to the front of the room and takes his place under the chuppah, a traditional Jewish wedding canopy representing the hope that the couple will have a roof over their heads, and will have an open household. Adele's parents then process halfway down the aisle (their pause there momentarily confuses me, under Pachabel's Canon in D starts up and the doors at the back of the room revealing Adele in all her glowing matrimonial glory. Sadly, I lack the mastery of the English language required to fully express her radiating beauty. (sic) We are star struck as she walks past us and winks! We are obviously very special and important people (more on that later).

The ceremony is brief, simple and beautiful. It includes wishes from the groom's family, readings from The Prophet and Sonnet 116 by the bridesmaids, an exchange of vows which we suspect the couple did not author, an exchange of rings, and of course, a kiss. We all agree it is one of the best ceremonies we have attended.
The aforementioned readings by the bridesmaids threw additional confusion (noticing a pattern?), as the Judge announced that Chantal would be doing a reading. The shorter, darker haired - but no less beautiful - bridesmaid, whom I had heretofore been assuming was Laura, began to read. I double-checked the program and sure enough my confusion was well grounded. Later on, Adele reveals that Carl was in charge of all printed material and thus is to blame for the misordered list of processors.

As we are exiting, a woman retreating back up the aisle (against the flow of traffic) makes a wave-like motion with her arms and declare, "I'm a salmon!" Rob misheard her and - you guessed it - confusion ensued as he wondered why she was telling us her pants size and if she was in fact a seven. At the exit, someone who immediately becomes less important than the words they use points us to the right and informs us that the open bar in that direction has shorter line. We briefly skip the cheese fruit and cracker display in favor of obtaining a good position in line. Erin gets a Shirley Temple, and we illustrate by example for Jason the difference between a Roy Rogers and a Shirley Temple. This involved having him hold the drink and saying "now it's a Roy Rogers."

We fetch some cheese, fruit, and crackers. Jason, our cheese connoisseur, informs us that we are eating Smoked Gouda, which he usually purchases in Leavenworth. He also verifies for Yamini that is in fact "the cheese you brought that one time". The finger foods the servers distribute are to die for. I particularly appreciate the chicken skewers because the contain pineapple, a topping I was robbed of in The Pita Pit Incident. We discuss Rob's plan to "keep up" with Jason and I, a lofty goal indeed.

Recognizing that we know no one there, Erin puts in some effort and fetches Local Celebrity Ginny Del Barrio.

We discuss the following:

• Ginny's jobs, past and present
  
• Jason might be moving to New York
  
• Peter Kluger's steakhouse in NYC
  
• Rob and Ginny know a lot of the same people
  
• Rob is bitter he did not get into TJ (it is always a good sign of bitterness when someone says "I'm not bitter")
  
• Ginny informs us that, in the LiveJournal picture, Laura is holding a turtle. I claim that I was the closest. (so does robin)
  

We have a long island iced tea, and it is strong. It looks more like a long island lemonade, as it contains about as much coke as you could add to an already full glass of alcohol.

Yamini and I go for a walk, which means we go down to the other end of the hallways where the mingling is going on. We notice the other open bar, which is oddly unattended. Yamini points out that one of the bridesmaids is drinking a Miller Lite from a bottle. She questions the appropriateness of that move. I concur that the bottle's elegance is not up to par with her position and appearance, and suggest a glass of Roederer Cristal.

Yaz and I are done with our walk, so we head back to rejoin our clique.

Minutes after we have obtained our third or fourth drink (I knew at the time...) the doors open to the reception area. Erin fetches our nametags. I overheard our good friend the bartender mention that the bar is supposed to closed. I consult Jason. We are alarmed, mainly due to our inexperience with open bar weddings. We decide it is likely that they are just closing it during dinner. If so, we decide we are OK with that. [I would like to take a moment at this point to thank the person that invented open bar. Moreover, the person that paid for open bar]. Our theory is confirmed a bit later when Jason observes the bartender moving his portable bar from outside the reception room to just inside its door. It remains closed for the time being but its presence in the room appeases us.

I am the last to arrive at table 16. Everyone appears to be seated. Except me. Perhaps that is because I do not have a chair. I count the seated guests. Robin, Yamini, Erin, Jason, Adele's two brothers, a girl about my age, and a guy who seems a few years younger than us. They all appear to be seated. In chairs. Between Steven and Nathan, there is an extra place setting, but no chair. Remembering that actions speak louder than words, I take a chair from the table next to me and take a seat next to Jason and Yamini. The place setting is passed to me, and all is well. We inspect the small lacey bag, which contains M&Ms in wedding colors (white, purple, light purple...), with TheHappyCouple's names on them.

A server appears, bearing gifts of bread for our table. There appear to be two different types. Jason and I both get the type that we had determined was superior. We laugh at Erin, as she was given an inferior roll. Erin opines that her roll is superior. We laugh at her again, but she seems satisfied with it.

A lovely salad is served next. I appreciated the mix of green, with both spinach and lettuce. Oddly, the dressing is distributed via a separate and seemingly tedious process. It is further complicated by the user of multiple servers circling a single table, apparently not knowing where the other started. Jason and Erin wait about 5 minutes for dressing after the rest of our table is served, while the white-gloved servers provide dressing to the table next to us. I wait to begin eating my salad until they are served, and my patience is rewarded as I am offered an additional helping of the dressing, which turns out to be delicious.

It is around this time that I make the first phone call to Adele. In case you have not been paying attention, Adele is the bride. We have been joking pretty much since we got off the plane (Friday morning) that we should call Adele, because she probably is not very busy and would love to talk to us. Shockingly she does not answer, so I leave a voice mail, informing that we are currently eating dinner, the salad is good, and I just wanted to make sure she turned her phone off. It is also around this time that we do some table analysis. We decide that we are the second most important table, just after the table where Adele's parents and Carl's parents are sitting. This is based on the presence of Adele's brothers at our table. Carl's brothers sit together at a table that appears to take third, while the Bridesmaids table takes a distant fourth.

We eat steak, and it is good.

Champagne is poured. It has been a while since I finished my last drink (you will recall the open bar is currently closed), so I have a sip. I instantly regret it. Not for a lack of appreciation of the champagne, but because I remember that champagne is usually intended for the toast(s). I take a quick scan and notice several empty glasses, so I take comfort in not being the only offender. It occurs to me that the empty glasses may never have been filled. I take another scan to see if anyone seems to be giving me an EvilEye, but it seems no one noticed. I am saved.

Toasts are given. There were four in total.

I think in terms of length, they added up to about the same as my toast at my brother's wedding. So it turns out I babble. These toasts were good. I was very impressed. We heard about Adele's first dinner with Carl's parents, when his mom determined that Adele was very smart, because she hardly said a word during dinner. We heard about Carl's brother visiting TheHappyCouple in California, and being introduced to "couch power," which is perhaps the coolest thing I have ever heard of. Apparently, they have wired up their sofa with electrical outlets, for the use of laptops and other devices without ever having to get up. Much speculation as to the exact setup ensued, so if someone can comment on how that works, or perhaps provide a schematic diagram, that would be fantastic. The one weird thing about the toasts was that they did not end with a communal raising of the glass. Well, it did at our table, obviously, but not across the room. The DJ at my brother's wedding said the best toasts are short, unprepared and from the heart. I still do not know if I agree with the unprepared bit, but these toasts definitely met the short and from the heart bar. Bravo.

Father Daughter dance time. I am surprised when Carl and his mom join them on the dance floor. I assumed they would have their own separate dance later. Incorrect.

I point at my wine glass and give Jason the "my glass is emptier than yours" look. He takes it down in one while I finish my steak. I point out that red wine really does taste better with red meat. Robin, not a fan of anything made from grapes, begrudgingly follows Jason's lead. We observe that the bar has re-opened, but we are quickly distracted by a cell phone. The cell phone belongs to Erin, and she is sending a text message. I admonish her, but she dismisses me. The band is rocking out, and dancing shortly begins. We discuss the possibility of dessert. I predict there will be two rounds: a fancy dessert, and then later, cake. I was close.

A woman comes by to talk to the girl and guy sitting to Erin's left. She informs that the girl is Adele's "first friend ever." We ignore the second half of her sentence where she qualifies that with "After she moved to Virginia," and take her statement as validation that we are in fact the second most important table. Up to this point, we were too busy eating, drinking, and leaving voicemails on Adele's phone to figure out why this pair merited a seat here. The person turns out to be her brother. I wonder whether they were both invited or if she brought him as her guest. Later, Adele tells me I should as her about The Wizard of Oz, but I never see her again.

Adele is making the rounds. We determine that she is leaving the more important tables for the end.

She stops by our table briefly to say hello, make sure we are having a good time, and tells us she will be back.

We alternate drinking and dancing for the next while. The band is really rocking out. We dance to Blister in the Sun, Proud Mary featuring Uncle Jonas on drums, and tons of other great covers. We grab another Long Island and raise our glasses to the groom, who informs us "those are free, you know." Yes Carl, we know. We inform him that the open bar is "[of the utmost] quality." I get my picture taken with the guest drummer.

Erin proposes the idea of bringing a photo printer, so we could take pictures like this, print them out, and get them autographed. I think this is the greatest idea I have heard all night. If we had done that, I would have a big stack of autographed photos to show for it. I begin to ponder how others would perceive us...

Then it happens. Sometime around our third rum & coke, Rob drops the ball, admits defeat, and, inevitably and irrevocably, falls behind Jason and me. The event is documented via digital photography.

In addition to dropping to ball, he also drops Erin, in a failed attempt at dipping her on the dance floor.

A girl takes the stage to sing a song for TheHappyCouple. We miss introductions, so can only speculate as to who she might be. Jason calls Adele to document the occasion.

Dessert is served. As predicted, it is fancy. It is also delicious. A sort of chocolate bowl filled with some ridiculously rich whipped cream. We resume dancing and drinking. Erin performs some brilliant set theory, taking a union of our group and Adele's Virginia friends, and we get a good dance circle going. Carl and Adele immediately appear, as if on cue, to dance with us for a while. We all take turns dancing with them in the middle. I show off my dancing skills as usual, twirling Adele around like a top. She almost loses her hair thingy, which she hands to Erin for safekeeping. Shortly thereafter, Adele disappears, prompting Carl to ask, "Where my wife?" We are all blown away.

I take a break and go talk to BridesmaidLaura, who currently lives in Somerville, the city I grew up in.

We chat about Davis Square bars for a minute. I neglect to ask her what's she holding in the picture, or what realcream means. I do think to ask how she ended up in Somerville, but I do not get a straight answer to that, either. At least not one that I remember. BridesmaidChantal joins us (by join us I mean she went from sitting two seats away to crouching next to my chair). She compliments my dancing skills. I pronounce her name correctly. Apparently, she has heard that I am eligible. I ask where she heard that. I refrain from telling her that I have heard some things about her as well. For now, anyways. I tell them I should get back to my friends, and proceed to do so.

The text message was not enough. Erin takes a phone call. [Ed note: This actually happened much later] Jason mocks her and chases her out of the room.

From the bar, we notice that the music has abated and the dance floor is clearing out. Our confusion as to the cause for this turn of events is cleared up when we see the cake being wheeled out onto the center of the dance floor. This is exciting because it implies we will soon get to eat the cake, as, you might recall, I predicted. They are very cute about it, and I take some pictures.

Jason cheers, and no one follows suit. Then everyone claps. Apparently, we should have stuck with our "follow the crowd" methodology that worked so well for us during the ceremony.

Erin dances with the moderately awkward Cousin Joe. Oddly, their dancing continues through a song break and into the next song, prompting Erin to flee the dance floor in search of a face-saving glass of water.

Meanwhile, back at table 16, cake is served. Chocolate. The table is only half-full, but remains important as we are currently graced by the presence of Carl's dad. Mr. Peterson tells us more about the overpowered, under produced hovercraft mentioned earlier. It was apparently the size of several states, and weighed as much as several more. The build crew needed to be hooked up to three separate circuits in the building to sufficient power without bringing down the entire grid. Carl stops by to chat as well. He fiddles with his ring, which I ask to see. We learn that it is made of white gold, rather than platinum, "in case my hand gets caught in a machine, white gold is a lot easier to cut through." I propose that he could always just cut his finger off to save the ring. Carl points out that the ring itself is not that important, it is what it represents. I am in awe of his sincerity and thoughtfulness.

Erin rejoins us in the middle of our cake eating. The servers had only distributed pieces to those who were seated, so there was no cake at the table for her to enjoy. She approached a server who had since moved on to other, less important, tables. She is informed that they "already served table 16." Perhaps we are not as important as we though. They eventually make their way back and provide Erin with her much anticipated cake.
For those of you keeping score at home, that is two desserts, as I predicted. I am on top of the world. The servers reappear with more cake. White. My prediction was wrong. Three desserts! Apparently, their cake involved multiple layers of different types of cake. The chocolate cake was good. The white cake was to die for.

Jason and I head back to the bar for what turns out to be our last drink of the reception. We run into the bridesmaids. Chantal thinks hard, and then decides my name is Bradley. I am confused. I say something cocky and funny, and move on. We go and chat with the Happy Couple at their table, after waiting in line behind some relatives with whom they are chatting. I tell Adele my theory of how we are the second most important table. She agrees, and admits she hardly even knows over half the guests. I tell her about my confusion as to which Bridesmaid was which, and she blames Carl, who was responsible for the printed materials. We head back to our table when additional family members stop by to chat with the Happy Couple. As we are leaving, Adele mentions that we should all meet up in the hotel bar later.

I decide to tell Jason the story of how Chantal let me know that she had heard that I was single, since I found it rather amusing. I pull him aside from our table a few steps, since it was not meant for general consumption. Just as we are stepping aside, the band starts in on a slow song, and Nicole inquires if one of us would like to dance. I do some quick reception math, and decide the story is higher priority. "I'll dance, but just give us a second, I have to tell Jason something," I inform her. Jason nods in agreement, "Yeah, just give us a second." In retrospect, we are assholes. I give Jason the short version of the story, while Nicole stands a few feet away, and then escort her to the dance floor. I ask her about the hovercraft. She mentions soda server, a project that I have heard about several times from Adele. I still do not understand the impetus for it.

After the dance, the bouquet is thrown. Despite our cries of "Over Here," it is thrown "Over There." Laura catches it without much of a struggle. I am disappointed that we do not see a catfight, or at least a pillow fight, break out, but I move on with my life.

I return to our table where I am met with shocking news: Erin has eaten her M&Ms. Others do not seem nearly as shocked as I do at this development. Am I the only one who saves reception candy as souvenirs? I still have it from both of my siblings wedding. I decide I need a drink. Someone had recently suggested cranberry vodka, so Jason and I turn towards the bar. However, we do not make it very far. In fact I do not think I even took a full step before we both stopped, like deer in headlights, staring at the place where the bar no longer was. We sigh, and agree that we will have one later when we go to the hotel bar.

Another slow song plays. Perhaps the last. I see the bridesmaids dancing together and ask if I can cut in. There is a slight awkward pause, since it is not clear - to any of us - with whom I was asking to dance. Chantal clears up the confusion by extending her left arm towards Laura and saying "she's all yours." I notice she has a bouquet in her hand, and tease that I would rather not dance with her. I am not really on top of my game at this point. It is possible that we did not talk at all during the dance, since I do not remember anything we said.

I decide it is "self portrait with friends" time, and take a bunch of pictures. I'm sober enough that I'm able to keep track of who I've taken pictures with and who I haven't.



I get a little bolder and try to fit three people in the frame.

A fourth recognizes the difficulty of my endeavor and offers to take the picture for me. They obviously underestimated my skills as I end up with two very similar photos.

Then I get carried away and try to fit five people in the frame.

I have tried this before.

It ne'er ends well

The reception seems to have ended. Robin tries to talk to Adele, but she is busy.

He enlists the help of Yamini and Jason, but they are still unable to pull her away from what we assume to be some high school friends.

We hang out on the dance floor for a bit. I ponder the possibility of being both the first guests to be seated at the ceremony, and the last to leave the reception. A few minute later, we head to the hotel bar.

[To Be Continued...?]